Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
