Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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