I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
