Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
