I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
