I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
