getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
