he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
