I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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