the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
