I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My feet surprised me
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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