My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
