well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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