We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I did not marry a roomba.
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