If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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