I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
