Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Randomize
