I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
