Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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