Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
