in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
