fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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