4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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