Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
