I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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