Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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