You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
