just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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