Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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