how can u be prego again
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
