this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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