If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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