Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
