I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
