she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
