My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
