Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
