Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
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