As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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