Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Randomize
