Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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