420 ftw
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
