if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
