I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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