he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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