I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
