the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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