I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
