Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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