the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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