She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
